DeLancey's Stapler

Spring 196, on the campus of the U of C and D, in crumbling World War II barracks foreshadowing Vietnam - incoming freshman are driven by testosterone, fear, and a dim sense of obligation to become “men.” Draft boards close in. Beautiful co-eds drift doe-eyed under the pine trees on the Quadrangle, circled by upper-class Jocks like so many sharks. Professors profess from the pulpits of various disciplines, a neon mermaid throbs in the night sky at the apex of the L-shaped business district, and the latest Girl of the Month appears like clockwork in brazen glory on the wall above Roger Osborn’s Love Candle. In the midst of such perils, what chance has a late bloomer like The Gnat? A budding misanthrope in a black raincoat like Martin Calihan? An accidental housemother like nubile Susan Thurlby - or a neurotic maiden like lissome Shelley Wencelas, running against her will for Exhibit Day Queen - or Osborn himself, the reluctant Jock transformed by ruthless publicity into The Freshman Whiz? Osborn doesn’t know, but he’s determined to think of something - after all, human relationships are his specialty. And the jungle is waiting. And life. Or death. While nearby, steadfast in his quest for order in the midst of chaos, armed by the concept of duty, his green eyeshade and his trusty stapler, lurks Lawrence DeLancey.